Date: 13/08/2024 in GMT+8 (DDMMYYYY)
First entry woo! ^_^
Yknow I wasn't gonna talk too much for this entry, but I had some idea of a topic I wanted to write out.
I want to talk about how to: ✨ Lock In But In Moderation. ✨
For the longest time I had this problem. I tryhard way too hard in something I want to do REALLY good in and well, not only sometimes the end results aren't to my own satisfactory, I tend to get really pissy about it, because what gives I am supposed to be good at this >:0 cries out my brain. And when that happens it kind of bleeds out to my outside face! It happens with a good amount of things I do, video games, academia, hobbies, trying on new things, what doesn't my desire of perfectionism ruin?!
I am really really bad at masking my neurodivergence, so when I throw these little "tantrums", people aren't too favored about it! Although I've been told its more like I'm "too much" and that I'm "too enthusiastic about so calm tf down" and it's fair I suppose. No one can handle me at my 1000% except for the select few :p
Though a wise boyfriend told me that "masking can shorten your lifespan" so uh, I don't think trying Lock In on masking is a good idea!
And that's when I had slow realizing epiphany.
I play a lot of Splatoon 3, and the game can be really hard to be casual at when you're not the best at video games. And some days I'll have like a really bad losing streak (could be a skill issue, bad day, terrible weather etc) and I'll just be highly irritated by it! And I would be also irritated at myself due to how irritated I am at such a small thing, hence it's just a weird angry cycle. Now usually I've been told I should just channel my anger into punching something soft, put that energy somewhere but its effects aren't very long lasting, I'll just get irritated all over again until I feel like I need to break my switch lite or sell my Splatoon 3 copy.
With time I realized this wasn't productive, since I kept trying to use the same weapon over and over and losing over and over again. That's when I realized (after switching out a more lighter and fun weapon, the Carbon Roller Deco) that I was trying too hard. I was trying to output 200% when I couldn't even input a good 80% even. Pushing too hard, too focused on killing the enemy rather than painting the Turf in Turf War.
I wasn't "Locking In" per se, I was just being a Tryhard and it was failing me because I thought that was how you lock in.
Not for me.
See, you can't pour from an empty cup, there's nothing to pour! So I took a break from playing and attended to my other projects such as this website, my Tarzan shrine (coming soon ;) ) and my art.
And in doing all that, I tried taking it at more "chill" pace, I asked friends on website building, I tried getting feedback on art and see what I could do, I got my Tarzan CD Soundtrack and showed off to my friends because I was excited! I was.. enjoying things.
And that's what it all came down to. Enjoyment! How much I enjoy doing something correlates on how much better I do/in doing them!
I know, it's kinda obvious, its like that skeleton meme "If it sucks, hit da bricks!"
But I kept seeing that meme as "If you stop having fun with thing just stop doing it forever!", and I realize that sometimes when I do things I love, I can tend to not have fun doing my favorite things (It's the neurodivergence) and I didnt wanna stop doing things I love :(
Just like how I don't want to break my switch or stop playing Splatoon 3.
And so with, that's how I realized how I should "Lock In, But In Moderation" and of course it doesn't just apply to Splatoon 3, it applies to everything! (Or maybe most things lol)
For example, if I'm not having fun anymore and I'm genuinely feeling like I'm getting upset at a game, I should just, hold my switch for a second and stop doing anything for a moment. Being destructive didnt feel very productive, and I'm not sure if this can even apply to y'all but I've started to kinda like, "yo lets pump the breaks for a second yeah?" and when I have to "Lock In", I don't "Lock In" hard, I'll just like "Okay let's try to not get absolutely Mollywhopped this game".
I took this mindset sort of into the Team Rice splatfest last weekend (Spoilers: Team Rice won! GO RICE !!!!) and I just gave all that I could, I didn't try to push myself where I couldn't I just played like, like I was in The Zone. The Real Zone and not the Tryhard zone. I tried to avoid the Tryhard mindset where "I have to win EVERY SINGLE match and if I don't they're gonna EXECUTE ME". I went in going "Let's try to win maybe 8/10 games if possible" and well! Yeah! I did!!
Even if I didn't I wouldve probably tried to think "Well we can't win them all." And you know what? That's okay.
The Tryhard mindset puts an extreme amount of stress on myself, hence it leads to bad performance and irritability. I would just be worrying like "Oh God bad things will happen if we lose!" and that's really bad because my anxiety can get to an Extreme Level. (I'm unfortunately unmedicated due to Circumstances, but someday!)
But when I try to have the "Lock In But In Moderation" mindset, doing things feel better, like I don't feel like I'm torturing myself doing things because I actively try to pace myself and not completely put the blame on myself on a loss or unintended results.
Now sometimes I'll have my moments where I accidentally slip into the Tryhard mindset, but it's usually not too late to course correct and "calm tf down". We are only humans, we arent exactly perfect <:)
And I don't just apply this to video games, I'll try to apply this on most other things as well. It's a little hard trying to apply it to everything, but baby steps.
I hope this all makes sense if anyone is reading this, the website is gonna get constant updates now that I'm more "Locked In But In Moderartion" about it ^^ (I need to make a shorter name for it). Maybe I'll add a comment section in the future!
Again, pacing myself, not get too overly ambitious with too many things haha
This has been the first entry and hopefully not the last!
Stay sweet!
Cookie 🍪
Hi! It's been a while since I've last updated. I got so busy with college and other real life things that I didn't have time to tend to my pages.
But I'm back baby! So let's get into it.
This blog is purposed for a New Year's Event ran by the nice folks at 32bit.cafe! Check em out!!
So to review my 2024, it was kinda... Ehhh? It really could've been better tbh. I have lost people, gained people, lost people again. That's just how life is, right? Love and loss is the part and parcel of life. Of course, in the loss, you gain something out of it.
I got to do a bunch of part time jobs last year, that felt pretty new, being a big adult and getting doing odd jobs for some extra cash. Suppose I can now add "waffle maker" my resume haha!
I didn't get to draw a lot in my 2024, I was stuck in this depressive artblock where I just couldn't even pen down a sketch. Majorly a bummer! I did a lot of rp and writing with some friends and that was probably the most creative I really got. Flexing my creative muscles so it doesn't fade away, something like that.
All in all, could've been better, could've been worse I think.
Now that's outta the way, let's get into the light that's been my guiding light in the darkness.
Five Nights At Freddy's.
That's fucking right. Silly bear murder robot game has been honestly keeping the light on in my brain in these hard times.
Essentially, I got into a deeper dive of FNAF around the end-ish of 2024. The new FNAF: Into The Pit game had been released and that Yellow Rabbit got me like 👀. And I met some good friends from it and y'know it's just fun going crazy about FNAF lore.
To be more specific, I also got hots for William Afton and well, let's just say he brought back my art drive by tenfold.
I am a fucking simp.
Love his voice for the games (Shout out PJ Haywood) and Matthew Lillard's portrayal in the FNAF movie is so chef's kiss. I watched the FNAF movie like when it first came out, like October 2023 with some friends and of course I already thought it was good.
And then I got more and more into FNAF and rewatched the movie with my family and new friends my enjoyment for it SIGNIFICANTLY increased!
FNAF, and I say this very earnestly, is absolutely peak cinema. Nevermind the weird obscure lore and its inconsistencies, it's fun as FUCK.
That's pretty much all I have this blog. I also celebrated my 23rd birthday on Jan 5 the other day <:] happy birthday to me!
I'm so excited to get my iPad for my birthday. Procreate here I come! It's gonna streamline my art so much faster!
This year is gonna be, hopefully, better than the last one! I really wanna get back to maintaining this small piece of me on the web.
Till next time everybunny!
Stay sweet,
Henry/Cookie 🍪
